Assignment 2 – Re-edited for Final Submission

Having taken into account the feedback for Les, my Tutor, I have re-edited this Assignment for final submission.   

Seeing the unseen. 

  

For me I wanted to use this assignment as a way of Investigating the Suffering from a debilitating condition which is invisible. 

  

I decided to note how I was feeling in a diary so that I could reflect on it later and then use these feelings as a basis for the assignment. On review I could see common themes repeating, the themes of pain, tiredness, frustration, anxiety and loss of control.  As I suffer from an invisible disability, to look at me you would not know that it is difficult and extremely painful to sit, stand or walk, even lying down has its own set of pain problems so I started to look at the unseen part of being ill, the tiny indicators that perhaps only I see as part of a day to day existence.  From there I was able to choose the subjects and photograph them and then annotate the images with some notes on my experience and emotions. 

Bed. 

The one place that most people feel they comfortable at the end of the day, it is somewhere that they can hide from the outside, the rigors of their work, it is somewhere that the can rest, restore and recover their energy and strength. For me, it is somewhere to lye and stare at the inside of my eyelids in the darkness. I sit late into the early mornings in a state of painsomnia, where the pain keeps me awake and I cannot find a comfortable position in which to rest. There I struggle with the darker thoughts, the ones that 16% of the people suffering from this condition finally succumb to, and end their lives. 

Earplugs 

 
I have a collection of earplugs, I use them to reduce the number of outside influences on my brain and try to trick it into complete isolation so that I can sleep. At times this is the only way that I can sleep, I refuse to take sleeping tablets as the sleep tablet hangover only makes me feel worse and I end up being sick. Since the "neurological incident" I have the occasional auditory hallucination, usually the door bell, the sound of the front door being knocked or a shout from a familiar voice of someone I know who is just not there. They are also useful at times for when I want to concentrate fully on something, I can push them into my ears and shut off all external influences and/or distractions, it allows me to laser focus on the subject in hand. 

  

Pills  

I require medication to function on a day to day basis. My life is now ruled by pills, pills to stop the migraines, pills to reduce the neurological pains, pills to stop me being unhappy, pills to stop the pain, pills to sleep. Counting the days by counting the pills 

 
 

Crutches 

Hiding the in the corner, unused when inside, tucked away behind boots and shoes not walked in I use the walls, furniture, the floor for balance and movement. When outside, people walk into me as I cannot move quick enough, invisible outside, unseen inside. 

  

Clothes 

Soiled clothes. One of the unwanted problems of not being able to move fast enough to get to the toilet. A grown man soils himself, embarrassment, anger and anxiety again. Having to have that conversation again about the changing of clothes, having to see the pain and embarrassment in someone else's face. 

  

Blinds 

Once of the few views I have, blinds separating the view, just as the pain and anxiety of this condition isolates me from the rest of the world.  

  

Razor Blade 

As I have stated 16% of all suffers from this condition end their own lives. It is something that every sufferer has to face at some point as their bodies fail and they have to face the embarrassing and degrading act of soiling themselves. The isolation of being housebound and unsupported by the health services leaves the sufferer having to cope alone at times, and this can drive the sufferer into deeper depression and sometimes the initial act of self harm. 

  

Bitten fingernails. 

  

The anxiety of sitting in limbo, the not knowing what will happen next, with only the local doctor to protect me from the return to work and the inevitable collapse in a corridor due to overexertion. Constantly facing the not known, the unknown unknowns, raises tensions both within the sufferer and the people closest to them, I end up biting fingernails due to worry and concern as well as in a attempt to block my mouth and stop me from saying things, lashing out in anger and fear to the one person who is closest to me and who is trying their hardest to support and care all without external help or support for themselves. 

  

Conclusion. 

  

This has been quite a hard assignment for me, as I have been reduced to the inside of the house for ideas. With only myself for guidance it has been a exercise in self examination and introspection. Looking at where I am not and my future with trying to live with this condition. I believe that I have been able to take some images and have successfully applied my narrative to these images and that with the narrative the images can be seen in context with my notes and also with the viewers interpretations.